


The Difference Between Being Alive and Living

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey, Merry (Band)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Fever, Fluff, Language, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:39:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyo’s pushing himself too hard and Gara’s upset, with good reason. In the deciding moments, more comes out than Kyo ever wanted to hear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Difference Between Being Alive and Living

**Author's Note:**

  * For [galhea](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=galhea), [psycho-in-hate](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=psycho-in-hate), [icamonster](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=icamonster), [crabbyhands](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=crabbyhands).



> Because I needed to get it out... and because people requested more Kyo/Gara, so here it is.  
> Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "Lay Down Your Goddamned Arms" by Marilyn Manson, “Echoes Of The Spirit” by The Human Abstract, and “Itoshii Hito -2006 ver-“ by Miyavi

Gara sat beside Kyo’s hospital bed, his head bowed and his eyes closed. Ever since he’d gotten here, he’d not said a single word to Kyo for fear that all that would come out would be anger at the older man. His lips were pursed in a thin line and his body radiated pure tension. He was beyond pissed and he was sure that Kyo – Mr. empathic as shit – could surely feel that fact without him having to open his damn mouth.

Plain and simple... Kyo had been pushing himself too much and not taking enough care of his body in the same breath. He was fairly certain that the reason for it had something to do with the blasted survey he’d sent out to the members of his fanclub, asking for responses. He’d wanted to know if they would rather have all that Kyo could give for a short period of time or a portion of what he could give for a longer period. And Gara was half certain some of those fuckers had responded in the worst manner possible. Granted... he was honestly rather put out that Kyo had even asked the question to start with, but for people to answer in the way he suspected made him even more angry than Kyo was currently making him in the first place.

He finally lifted his head when he heard the vocalist roll over, a feeble cough rattling Kyo’s lungs. With a sigh, he reached for the water on the bedside table, pouring a cup and then pushing the button to sit Kyo’s bed up, handing him the cup. Even as Kyo accepted it and took a long drink from it, Gara stared at him, his eyes burning furious holes in the other man. Kyo handed back the cup and Gara took it, slamming it on the bedside table, finally losing his temper entirely. “Fuck you, Kyo... seriously, fuck you.”

“I don’t think they’d like us to do that here,” Kyo replied, his tone completely flat.

“Shut up!” Gara pushed himself to stand up. “This is not a joking matter! Don’t you see that you’re pushing yourself right back into the same hell as before? It’s starting all over again and I’m not idiotic enough to fall for your little excuses of how you _have_ to do the fucking show anyway!”

Kyo watched the other man pace the length of the room, his head turning a little to follow as he moved. “They need me.”

“Yes! Yes they fucking do!” Gara turned on his heel and came to lean over the bed, breathing out his next words right into Kyo’s face. “They need you alive and well, you little fuck.”

“Did you just call me-“

“Yes I fucking did! And if you want to crawl up my ass about it, then you can get well and get out of the goddamned bed to kick my ass, understood?!” He threw up his hands and shoved away from the bed with a snarl.

“Gara...” Kyo began quietly, issuing another cough, his voice weak and scratchy, “please calm down.”

“No. You know what, for once, I refuse to calm down. I’m always calm about everything. You. This bullshit you think is perfectly fine. Our relationship coming second to everything else. Everything. But not today. I’m done being calm.” He turned around and pegged Kyo with a hard look. “I’m not okay with the fact that you’re not taking care of yourself. I’m not okay with the fact that you seem to think that you can make the full determination about your health when you know well that if you don’t take care of yourself, it fucking _kills_ me inside.”

Kyo just stared at him, not saying a word, but not looking away from the glare either.

“You’re going to take care of yourself and you’re going to stop pushing yourself to your goddamned death bed if it’s the last fucking thing I ever make you do. I want you around for a good long while and I’ll be damned if I don’t know a lot of people who feel the same exact way!” He took a deep breath. “And I know you told me you never wanted to hear this, but you’re going to fucking hear it anyway.” He leaned over the bed and grasped Kyo’s chin, staring hard into his eyes. “I fucking love you, you jerk.”

With that said, he let go of Kyo’s chin and turned to leave the room. “Call me when you decide to stop being a fucking prick.” Stalking from the room, he slammed the door behind himself, leaving a startled Kyo behind.

\----

_Ta-ding-ding_

Gara snorted himself awake, glowering at his clock. Seven fifteen in the bloody morning. He pushed his hand through his hair and then rubbed it across his eyes, yawning and yanking the covers back up.

_Ta-ding-ding_

He popped one eye open and then groaned. Who the bloody hell was pushing the button for his apartment so early in the morning? He shoved the covers back and snatched up a pair of sweatpants off the floor next to his bed, yanking them on.

_Ta-ding-ding_

“Fucking hell, I’m coming already!” He glowered toward the living room as he stomped off down the hallway, narrowly avoiding the cat he was sitting for his cousin. Without even checking who it was, he yanked open the door. Instantly, his face rearranged itself from mad to shocked, and he hastily stepped back, gesturing for the person on the other side to come in.

Kyo stared at him for a long few moments and then sighed, stepping into the hallway. He pointed at his throat and then made a slashing gesture across it before holding out an envelope to the other man.

Gara closed the door behind him and then took the envelope from his hand. “I’ve gotta piss... uh... make yourself at home. I’ll be out in a minute.” With that, he dashed off down the hallway, slipping into the bathroom and shoving the toilet lid up. Pulling his sweat pants down in the front, he began to relieve himself into the toilet as he yanked the letter free of the envelope, discarding that onto the countertop beside the sink. He unfolded the paper and began to read, still voiding his bladder even as he began to take in the words Kyo had written.

_Gara,_

_I know sometimes I can be a stubborn asshole and for that... well, I’m not sorry, but... I hate that it makes you frustrated with me. As for this go around and what you said last night; it got me thinking. You tell me to take care of my health first... and while I know you’re right, I just don’t think I’m built that way. The music has always come first for me, for the part of my life that has even remotely mattered anyway. I’m honestly sorry that I haven’t re-evaluated anything in my life to try to understand where we’re at in comparison to my job and to everything else. But after what you said last night... after you told me those words that I never wanted to hear... I’ve had to do just that._

Gara finished up and shook off, tucking himself away and discarding the letter onto the counter as he flushed, lowered the lid, and then washed up his hands. He was already pissed off at how Kyo was relaying things to him and he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to read all the rest of the two goddamned pages the vocalist had written. But he knew he had to and more than that, he knew he had to keep his cool until he was done with the letter entirely. Because sometimes Kyo had a way with words and sometimes he was just an idiot when it came to it.

With a sigh, he snatched up the letter again and headed into the living room. Kyo was nowhere to be found. He checked the balcony and the kitchen, and then as a last ditch effort, he headed down the hallway toward his bedroom, his anxiety growing that Kyo had just up and left instead. But the vocalist was lying on his bed, his eyes closed, and his small body curled up on his side, looking more worn than he’d ever seen him before. Shaking his head a little, he made his way to the chair on the other side of the bed and flicked on the tiny 15W lamp to read by and opened the letter once more.

_I’ve been wrong in a great many things I’ve done in my life. I’ve fucked up and gone down the wrong path more than once and I’ve thrown good things away for the sake of the uncertain perhaps too many times. Sometimes I believe that I’m afraid... that no matter what I do, I’m going to sabotage myself and turn brilliant stars into coal. And then I realize that it’s that fear that’s turning it all sour to start with. And maybe that’s my problem, that I overthink things and fuck it all up before I see that I’m doing it._

_With you... all I’ve done is push you away, treat you like something disposable. In all honesty, for the first year of our relationship, you were nothing but a means to my own end. I was using you because you were so ready to be used by me. You came to me and offered yourself up on a silver platter, just like every other groupie I’ve ever fucked. Yeah, sure... I know you and I’ve known you for longer than those wastes of space. But that didn’t change the fact that you were throwing yourself at me, begging me to fuck you... and to boot all, giving it up on the first date. I judge and I’ve never made any bones about that. I’m a hypocrite in so many ways it’d make you sick if you knew the reality of it. I use, I fuck, I discard, and I walk the fuck away. It’s who I am... who I’ve been for years._

_Why? That’s a completely different bag of shit. I use and I fuck because it’s offered to me and when I want it, I see no reason to not take it. I discard because those that will allow themselves to be used have no more self-esteem than a cardboard box, and that’s not the kind of person I need around me day-in and day-out. And I walk away because honestly, I don’t know how to do long-term. No one has ever presented that possibility to me. Not once in my entire life has someone shown me that they care enough to be allowed to stay in my life._

_Until now._

_You let me use, you let me fuck... but you never gave me the ability to walk away. I’d leave and you’d turn up on my doorstep the next evening. I’d kick you out and you’d come back for more. I’d treat you like the dog shit stuck to the bottom of my shoe and you’d walk right back in my door with a smile on your face and ask me for more._

_For the longest time, I thought you were simply the world’s biggest masochist. But I’ve known for some time that it’s something more than that... and I asked you to never say those words that you spoke for the simple fact that I have no idea how to deal with them. No one has ever given me the opportunity to evaluate my life with those words meaning anything to me. No one has ever bared themselves to all of my abuse and then walked out the other side of it just as tough as they came in. I wreck things. I always have. I’m one of those people that chews up the heart and soul of someone and spits it back out a blackened mass of useless shit. But with you... you’ve never let me do that. You’re more resilient than anyone else I’ve ever encountered._

_You asked me to put my health first... and for you, I will. I’ve placed it forefront simply because you made your point harder than you ever needed to. I’m not canceling the show, but I will be resting my throat for the entire time. Not a single word will be spoken until the show. And I have agreed to visit the hospital every single night to be re-evaluated and get my IV drips. I’m on antibiotics and they’re making me use ice packs to try to bring my fever down. And I’m on mandatory rest until I go back in each night._

_But I refuse to stay in the hospital. I hate those places and you know that better than anyone... and you know quite well why. You were there that night._

_And, Gara... don’t you think for a second that you are not the very next thing on my list. Dir en grey is what keeps me alive. But you are the reason I live. The distinction of the difference is one I can only hope you will understand, because it is as close as I can ever get to telling you what you desire to hear. And for all my fuck-ups... I pray you understand._

_Kyo_

Gara took a deep breath and placed the letter down on the table, his eyes finally moving to the other’s small form on his bed. He looked so frail... so helpless curled up on his bed like that. With a sigh, he pushed himself upright and crawled onto the bed, sliding down behind him and resting his hand on Kyo’s hip. Pressing his lips to his neck, he closed his eyes and breathed out a quiet little sigh. “I love you, too, you stubborn ass. I love you more than you can ever understand. And... thank you.” Curling up against him, he pulled the sheets up over them both and slid his head down to rest on the pillow. “I’ll watch after you just so long as you promise to help.”

Kyo’s hand slid over Gara’s own and lightly squeezed his fingers.

And that... was all he ever needed.

**The End**


End file.
